The Birth of A Crack Ninja
by CorderoyPants
Summary: Mild Parody of Naruto kid-fics. No MPreg, 88% Yaoi Free. How annoying would it be if we combined Naruto's Dattebayo with Deidara's Un? Orochimaru has way too much free-time. Rated T for Hidan. or Terrible. You choose.
1. Prologue: The Game Show

**AN:** This is an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. Because they are fun to screw around with. Here's the low-down on what's happened.

Asuma is not dead, but pretty badly injured so that he can't be a ninja anymore.  
Shikamaru exacted revenge by developing sealing jutsu with Tsunade, and so now they have captured most of the Akatsuki and forced them into servitude for the Leaf Village.  
Sasori didn't die - he just ended up mostly poisoned but Sakura saved him for interrogation. He's just a lump of flesh anyway, so why not?

**THIS IS MOSTLY CRACK, DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY.  
**This Fic is water-proof. Nonsensical, but water-proof.

**  


* * *

Prologue: The Game Show**

A spotlight lit up the scene. Kabuto was standing on a glossy black platform, wearing a stylish purple suit and white tie against a black shirt. Smiling he lifted the microphone in his left hand up to his mouth and spoke. "Ladies and gentlemen, kunoichi and shinobi of all ages! Welcome to Snake Eyes, The Evil Science Guy."  
The theme song started up, a weird electro-funk mix with some jarring electric guitar power chords underneath and the whine of a church organ. The crowd in the stands went wild, cheering and waving banners and clapping.  
"I'm Kabuto, your host." He said, smiling after the applause had died down. "And now, the star of the show; you know him, you love him, you hate him, the master of disaster - a man who needs no introduction but will brutally torture me if he doesn't get one – legendary San-nin and Snake Monster: **OROCHIMARU~**"

Orochimaru walked out of a hidden door, smoke machines firing off behind him. The crowd had begun rioting again, with a few fangirls screaming out "I love you!" or "Marry me, Orochimaru-sama!" and lots of "Kyaaaa"'s. The snake-nin smiled charismatically and waved at his adoring fans. He was wearing a dark green shirt with a purple tie and a beige jacket, along with his customary lavender rope-belt AKA the butt-belt.  
"Thank you, thank you... You are all too kind." The snake-nin grinned as the applause gradually pattered out. "And I'm not!"  
The audience giggled and whooped. Orochimaru flashed his fangs.  
"In this episode, we're going to be creating genetically fused ninja babies!" The crowd cheers again. "You all remember my experiment, in combining the First Hokage's DNA with a baby... I have now perfected the process! And, instead of just adding powerful ninja DNA to an ordinary child, I can now create a child from scratch by fusing the DNA of _two_ powerful shinobi and conceiving their child for them." Orochimaru beamed ecstatically, as if he was a nerd and had just received a triple A plus report card. The smile could chill you to the bone and haunt your dreams for eternity. No wonder Sasuke turned out to be a completely emotionless douche at the end of his training. Ahem. Back to the story.

"That is amazing, Lord Orochimaru!" Kabuto exclaimed, approaching his scaly master.  
"Yes, Kabuto, it truly is." His grin turned into a satisfied smirk. "But there are some issues with the process."  
"Issues m'lord?" Kabuto asked, unbelieving.  
"Yes, issues." Orochimaru nodded sagely. "First of all, one has to choose two compatible shinobi to be genetic donors, or parents you could call them. Then of course one has to determine the gender of the child and avoid any tragic diseases that may ruin the child's chance of survival, such as fragile X or possibly double Y chromosomes. And third, raising a child is a long and tedious process… It takes almost a whole year simply for the gestation period to take place."  
"Surely a visionary, such as yourself, would have come up with a solution?" Kabuto stated faithfully.  
"Indeed I have." Orochimaru smiled brilliantly, an evil _ding_ resonating through the studio. "I have invented _this!_"  
A great purple curtain was pulled to the side, revealing what looked to be a ginormous slot machine attached to a machine which looked a lot like an automatic carwasher and a transparent laundromat filled with fuschia goop. The audience whooped and cheered at the sight, not at all aware of what the machine did or even _was_ but not caring because it was Big and Looked Bad-Ass.  
"Behold!" said Orochimaru said is best Large Ham voice. "**THE NINJABABYMAKERINATOR!**"  
"Amazing!" cried Kabuto. "What is it?"  
"This is the new and improved version of the machine I used to fuse the DNA of the First Hokage with infants. Instead of having to waste hundreds of human lives, I can now create _new ones!_"  
The crowd exploded into screams.  
"Would you like me to demonstrate?" Orochimaru leaned towards the audience, flashing his fangs.  
_"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
_The microphones squeaked with feedback. It sounded like Dosu was attacking with a fifty-foot wall of amplifiers. A couple windows broke.  
"We'll be right back, after a word from our sponsors." Kabuto said over the screams of rabid fans.

_DO YOU LACK POWER? IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU LACK HATRED. BUT THIS IS NO PROBLEM FOR THE HIGHLY TRAINED FOLKS AT __**CURSE-MARK ACADEMY.**_

SASUKE: Hi, my name is Sasuke Uchiha. My brother killed my family and I am going to kill him. I have tried several times, but I simply did not have enough hatred or power to defeat him.

_SASUKE: My name is Sasuke Uchiha. You killed my family. Prepare to die.  
Intense battle sequence, followed by Epic Fail of Sasuke.  
ITACHI: You are weak. Do you know why? [whisper] Because you lack HATRED!_

SASUKE: The next time I see him, this will not be the case. I have garnered more than enough hatred thanks to **CURSE-MARK ACADEMY****.** Watch this clip to see the incredible results you get with the Stage One Curse-Mark Starter Kit.

_That bit from that episode during the Chuunin exams arc. You know, where Sasuke's face goes all WHOMGAIDS and he pulls off somebody's arms? Yeah, that._

SASUKE: Amazing! And that's just the start. If you call now at 1800 – CURSE-MARK, you can get the Stage Two Curse-Mark Limited Edition at a 30% discount! Take a look at these powerful before and after images.

_BEFORE: Sasuke, Normal. AFTER: Sasuke, Drag Form._

SASUKE: Incredible! Not only that, but if you call now – remember 1800 – CURSE-MARK – we give the first two hundred callers FREE SOUND NINJA UNIFORMS. Free Adjustments Included! Call now, 1800 – CURSE-MARK, to get _your_ CURSE-MARK ACADEMY™ Kit. Remember, 1800 – CURSE-MARK. You can never have enough hatred or power, no matter what the cost!

_ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED CURSE-MARK! HATRED AND POWER, QUALITY SERVICES._  
_WARNING! __**CURSE-MARK ACADEMY**__ Kits may have the following side-effects. Diarrhea-nausea-vomiting-bleeding-from-all-orifices-dizziness-headaches-emo-angst-wangst-antiscocial-behaviour-cancer-tumours-warts-rashes-sneezing-coughing-indigestion-hemmorhoids-a-state-of-death-which-may-or-may-not-be-reversible-lipstick-excessive-hair-growth-horns-discolouration-and-having-your-body-stolen-by-a-creepy-Michael-Jackson-look-a-like-who-likes-little-boys-and-has-a-fetish-for-snakes-for-three-years-after-which-you-will-be-discarded-like-a-used-condom._

SASUKE: Remember 1800 - CURSE-MARK. For all your Power and Hatred Needs!

* * *

**AN:** Prologues are for setting the scene. The next chapter will actually have something that happens.  
Remember, that's 1800 - CURSE-MARK! Call now to recieve your free Sound Village uniform! Purple-Butt-Belts included!


	2. Congratulations, It's a Boy

**AN: THIS IS MOSTLY CRACK, DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY**.

Caution. May contains traces of Gratuitous Japanese. The Fourth Wall is not actually a wall, just a curtain.

**

* * *

Congratulations! It's A Boy!**

Shizune burst through the door. "Lady Hokage! We've received a mysterious message!" She panted, holding up a purple-bound scroll. Tsunade looked up, frowning.  
"Have you been able to identify the sender?" she asked, replacing her clipboard on the desk.  
"M'lady." She said, bowing. "We have reason to believe it's from Orochimaru!"  
"What?!"  
"It was sent with a flying snake."  
Tsunade rolled her eyes in frustration. _'What the hell is with that man and his snake fetish? Geez!'_  
"Let me have it." She held out her hand towards her student. Shizune reluctantly handed it over.  
"Are you sure you want to do that m'lady? It might be a trap." Shizune murmured nervously.  
"It'll be fine Shizune. There's a note on the outside. Look." She pointed to a little inscription on the side of the note.

_This is not a trap!  
Really!  
I'm not trying to do a triple fake out. I swear.  
I swear on the grave of our sensei (peace be upon him, the old fart).  
I swear on my old plush snake toy, Hissy.  
Y'know, the one that Jiraiya DESTROYED when we went on our first C rank mission.  
Love, Orochi-chi_

"I know he's being honest whenever he mentions Hissy. I still think he holds a grudge against Jiraiya for dropping a torch on it." Shizune stared a little at her superior, sweat trickling down the back of her head. Tsunade ignored her stares and began unpeeling the seal on the scroll. Her eyes widened as she read the contents of the scroll. "Shizune!"  
"Yes m'lady!"  
"Send for Naruto and Deidara at once! I want them in my office within the next ten minutes!"  
"At once m'lady!" Shizune rushed outside.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair with a sigh, then looked at the scroll once again. On it was the symbol for a Summoning Technique, as well as a letter addressed to her and another addressed to the two she had just sent for. She let out another angry sigh and smacked her palm in the center of the symbol. There was a loud puff of smoke as the Summoning was performed. A loud cry filled the room. Tsunade massaged her temples with a hand.  
"This is going to be a long, long day."

"Hey, Granny Tsunade! What's up, dattebayo?" Naruto called out as he entered the room, hands behind his head. "Is it news about Sasuke?" His voice was full of hope and determination as he stared at the back of her chair. He thought he heard her murmuring something quietly. "Eh.. baa-chan? What have you got there?"  
Just then, Deidara walked in. "What is it boss, un?" He asked, brushing some of the dirt off his clothes. "More community service orders? Did something blow up?" He paused. "Does something need blowing up?" He asked a little more brightly.

Tsunade held up her hand to silence them. "I called you both here for the same reason." She said, keeping her back turned to them.  
"What?" Deidara asked incredulously. "Am I being assigned on a mission with that idiot, un?"  
"Hey! Who are you calling idiot, girly-man, dattebayo!" Naruto retorted, getting riled up.  
"Girly-man! Pfuh! Says the guy chasing desperately after his frikken' _boyfriend_." Deidara smirked, knowing he had struck a nerve. "Seriously, why don't you just get out of the closet, already. Un!"  
That made Naruto mad. "Bastard.. I'm not gay! Sasuke's _not_ my boyfriend!"  
"Enough!" shouted Tsunade. The two arguing blondes immediately stopped and bowed, fearful of what the San-nin might do if they didn't behave. She huffed, and stood up, looking out upon the village.  
"You two had better not show such crappy team work in the future."  
"We're being assigned on a mission? Why can't you assign it to me and Sakura or Yamato-taicho or Kakashi-sensei?" He paused for a moment to consider. "Or even Sai, dattebayo."  
"What the homo said." Deidara seconded. Naruto growled, but didn't say anything. The bomber continued; "I still haven't finished up the community service you assigned me the last time."  
"I'm very aware of that, Deidara." Tsunade said. "But you and Naruto are the only people in the village capable of doing this. It's possibly the hardest thing that any two people could do, and if you can't do it then it would be terrible."  
The two shinobi gulped. It must be a really advanced S-rank mission, that needed both of their unique abilities to complete it. "Lady Hokage?" Deidara said, apprehensively.  
Tsunade ignored him and continued to look outside. A smirk planted itself on her face. "Not only is it something insanely difficult to do, but also a very rewarding experience. This could make the two of you much better shinobi.. or destroy you."  
Naruto nodded, nervous sweat forming on his brow. Maybe this would be the training he needed to finally get Sasuke back. "Whatever this is, Granny Tsunade, dattebayo… I'll accept."  
Tsunade's smile broadened. "Good. I'll hold you to that, Naruto." She let the smile drop. "Deidara? If you accept this, I will shorten the hours of community service you have to do each day by approximately half, and you will receive a steady pay at the end of each week."  
"Un, whatever. I'll do it." Deidara said, shrugging. "I just hope I get to blow some stuff up."  
"Good. You've both accepted." Tsunade said, smiling and nodding. "However, this isn't going to be what you expected. No blowing up stuff, no super jutsu. Just hard work."  
"Uhmm.. what?" Now they were confused. "I thought you said this was a super S-rank mission."  
"I never said that, Naruto." Tsunade was grinning now. "I just said it was the hardest thing two people could do together."  
Deidara was beginning to get a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.. and it wasn't from the substandard clay he had eaten today. "Un.. Lady Hokage?"  
"What is it? You don't think you're up to the challenge?" She asked coquettishly.  
"Hah! Yeah right. I can take on anything you can throw at me." The blond man grinned and crossed his arms over his chest. "Hit me with your best shot."  
"Yeah, dattebayo!" Naruto said, pumping his fist in the air. "We can do anything! Bel--!"  
Deidara shot out his hand, silencing the boy with his fingers. He glared at the jinchuuriki. "Don't. You. Dare!"  
Naruto's eyes widened in fear as he nodded. He could feel the breath of the man's hand-mouths tickling his chin and it was creeping him out.  
Satisfied with the boy's response, Deidara removed his hand.  
Tsunade sighed. "Can we get back on topic please?" She shook her head and looked down to the bundle in her arms.  
"Yeah, sure." Said the other two simultaneously.  
"So you both accept?"  
"Yes."  
"No backing out?"  
"No."  
"You sure?"  
"Yes."  
"Good." Said Tsunade. She turned around, finally revealing the bundle cradled against her titanic chest. She smiled at the two blonds. "Congratulations. It's a boy!"  
"**WHAAAT?!?!?!!?**"

"Y-you're kidding, right, baa-chan? .." Naruto laughed nervously. "It's a bit early for April Fool's day, isn't it."  
Deidara stared at the small face that was currently slumbering in the Hokage's arms. It was a fairly bright pink against her white skin and he could see the tufts of bright blond hair sticking out all over the place. He stared, mouth drawn tightly into a flat line, squinting in suspicion at the baby.  
"Alright baa-chan, so you want us to do some babysitting. Who's is it? The feudal lord's, sent here for protection?" Naruto was desperately trying to rationalize why Tsunade was trying to force a child on him. There had to be a good reason! There had to be!  
"It's yours, Naruto." Tsunade said, holding it up to him. The whiskers on the baby's cheeks were gradually becoming more visable. "This kid is your son. You are genetically his father."  
"Bu-buh?" Naruto stuttered. "Then why is Deidara-san here?"  
"It's his too."  
Naruto's brain nearly imploded. "What?! How?? I haven't even ha--." He stopped and blushed, staring down at the floor. He mumbled something unintelligible. "This has got to be some sick prank, dattebayo…"  
Deidara approached the child. He held out his arms meaningfully. Tsunade passed the bundle over to him. He nodded and looked down at the small pink thing swaddled in cloth. He carefully pulled the cloth away so as to expose a tiny arm. He manoevered it so that he could see the palm of the tiny hand. There was mouth in the center.  
"It's true.. " the bomber said quietly, in shock. ".. he's got my mouths, un."  
"What?!" the jinchuuriki exclaimed. "Lemme see that." He stood next to the bomber, staring down at the little baby. He pried open the tiny fist with his finger and thumb. A tiny toothless mouth yawned at them.  
"… oh my god…"  
Just then, the baby awoke. It's eyelids twitched and then opened up to reveal a pair of the brightest blue eyes that you could imagine. It gurgled and let out a yawn. The two blond men felt their hearts melting at the sight of the tiny thing. Naruto bit his lip to hold back a squeal of adoration.  
Deidara looked at him meaningfully. "Do you want -- ?" Naruto nodded and took the child from the bomber's grasp. He cradled it up against his chest, gazing in wonder at the tiny person who was his son. _'Oh my god… I'm a dad! I have a blood relative...'_ His eyes suddenly became very moist.  
Deidara turned to the Hokage, serious. "Okay, I can see that he's obviously related to me. But I also know that babies don't just pop up out of nowhere. Where did he come from?"  
Tsunade looked down at the scroll on the desk. "Orochimaru created him." She said solemnly.  
Both the shinobi looked up in shock, Naruto subconciously clinging tighter to the baby. "Orochimaru?"  
"One of his genetic experiments…" she confirmed. "It's… difficult to explain. Here," she offered them the scroll. "there's a letter addressed to you."  
Deidara took it and began reading. Naruto peered over his shoulder, rocking the baby gently while he read.

The letter went something like this;

_Hey there!  
Congratulations on your new parenthood.  
As you can probably see, this bundle of joy is your son, even though neither of you were actually involved in the process of conceiving him. I am that much of a genius! I called him Neidaro. Cute name, no?  
And that's not all. Because it's too much effort to raise a child for its full life span, I've added my super growth serum to it. This means that it's growth will be accelerated so that it reaches the age of nine years physically within approximately three years. At about age twelve (that's four years your time) the growth serum will wear off and he will continue developing as any normal child would. He was born two days ago, making him the approximate size and weight of a one week old. Nifty, isn't it?  
The down side to this is that he has an incredibly high metabolism and needs almost constant feeding if you don't want him to starve. Not that I care, hahahaha! It's your job now.  
Another thing, he has the potential to gain each of your abilities. That includes that stupid mass shadow clone technique and the weird-ass clay eating thing  
That's all for now. Happy parenting!  
Your's evilly, Orochimaru._

_PS: Sasuke says hi and to stop chasing him, please. He's not coming back while his brother is still alive. You should know that by now, dumbass. Hugs & Kisses~_

Deidara handed the scroll over to Naruto, having finished it. Naruto took it and handed the baby, now called Neidaro, over to the other man. Once Naruto was finished he scrunched up the paper in his fist.  
"Bastard… This is another ploy of his to keep me away from getting Sasuke!" He gritted his teeth and swore. Deidara frowned at him, pushing the child closer to his chest.  
"Sheesh, our kid is going end up worse than Hidan if you keep using that language." He closed his eyes in thought. "From what I knew about Orochimaru, he's kinda bipolar, un. This letter probably indicates the fact that he was just trying to mess with us instead of actually trying to prevent you from getting Sasuke. And if he was telling the truth in that letter, it would only be three to four months before you'd be able to leave him with a babysitter, un. Accelerated growth is a stupid thing to slow somebody down with." He snorted, then shot a sidelong glance at Naruto.  
"Yeah.. I guess.. But still, what are we going to do with Neidaro? My apartment isn't exactly cut out for being a nursery, dattebayo."  
"And I live in a jail, for lack of a better word."  
"That's not a problem," Tsunade interrupted. "I've had Izumo and Kotetsu get some furniture and deliver it to your apartment. You boys just need to get the food. Here's a shopping list." She threw a small notepad at them. Naruto caught it.  
"Wait… You told them?!" He asked, panicking.  
She frowned at him. "You're not going to be able to keep this a secret." She said. "It's best you let them have the whole truth, before anybody get's the wrong idea."  
"The.. wrong … idea?" Naruto stammered, in a trance.

_Naruto's Inner Mind Theatre:_

_Sakura: Hi Naruto! What's that you got there.  
Naruto: It's my son.  
Sakura: OMG! YOUR SON? Who did you get pregnant?  
Deidara: He didn't get anybody pregnant, un. It's our kid.  
Sakura: OMG! You're gay?! You made babies with a guy?!!  
Naruto: N-no, it's not like that!  
Sai: Congratulations Naruto. This is a surprise. I didn't even notice your weight gain.  
Sakura: Holy crap! You're a girl! And you didn't tell me? I thought I was your best friend!  
Naruto: Wait a minute. Sasuke's my best friend, and I'm not a girl!  
Sakura: YOU DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME? WAAAAAH!! [ runs off crying]  
Naruto: Sakura, wait! I didn't mean it!  
Kakashi: Sorry I'm late. [stares at the baby] Huh.. my watch must be really slow if you've already had kids. [shakes his wrist] I'd better go get it fixed.  
Sai: So, are you planning on having a second child?  
Naruto: What the fu-?? NO. I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WOULD EVEN BE A FATHER.  
Sai: Ah, so it was an accident. [pats Naruto on the shoulder] Well done for not getting an abortion.  
Naruto: [twitches]  
Deidara: … are you okay, un?  
Naruto: [collapses]_

_Exeunt Naruto's Mind Theatre._

Deidara stared at the Jinchuuriki. He appeared to be inside some sort of mental hell... it was kinda freaking the bomber out. Promptly, the baby started crying, snapping them back into reality. Deidara tried jiggling it, seeing if it was just bored. The little boy continued howling. Naruto scurried over and tried to soothe it with a lullaby.  
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "He's hungry. Remember, he needs to eat about three times as much as a normal child."  
"Un." Said Deidara, flinching against the baby's howling cries. "I guess we'd better go get that food."  
"I still have a bottle here. This should keep him quiet for the length of the shopping trip." Tsunade said, holding up a small milk bottle. "One of you stay here and the other can go shopping."  
"I'll go do it." Naruto piped up only to be cut off by Deidara handing the baby over to him.  
"Nah, leave it to me. I'll be faster." He pulled out a small clay bird and hopped out the window onto the back of the bird. "See ya."  
Naruto sighed and took the bottle from Tsunade, flinching with each renewed wail that the baby gave out before he finally managed to put the bottle in its mouth. Loud sucking and slurping noises filled the Hokage's office. The orange-wearing ninja exhaled in relief and sat down on a bench.  
"I guess this means I'm on standby for a long time now, eh?" He grinned wryly. "Baa-chan?"  
"For at least a month." She said, examining some documents absentmindedly. "I'd recommend you get your team-mates familiar with him, in case you are needed in the event of an emergency. It'll stop him from becoming anxious while you're away."  
".. right."

_Meanwhile in the supermarket…_

"Alright, formula powder, bottles, enriched milk, diapers, more diapers… more diapers." Deidara rattled through the list that Tsunade had given him. "Wait.. did she just write five pages worth of diapers?" He squinted at the list, frowning. "Oh wait, that's just my scope." He slapped the small item of machinery gently. "Better. Let's see, what have we got next..?"  
He strolled through the aisles, picking off babyfoods at random and placing them into the shopping trolley which was already half-full of diapers. He also managed to pick up some fireworks, planning to transfer the salts inside them into his explosive clay. He had a good trolley-full as he approached the cashier, when suddenly…  
"Kakuzu-san?!"  
"Ah. Deidara-san. Will you be paying in cash or credit?" The masked man asked pleasantly. He was wearing a bottle green apron over the black shirt that he used to wear underneath his Akatsuki cloak. There was an employee tag on the apron stating in nice block letters:

**HELLO, MY NAME IS  
**_Kakuzu  
_**HOW CAN I HELP YOU?**

"This is your community service?" the blond bomber asked as he unpacked the 'gross-eries' onto the belt.  
"No, this is my weekend job. I am usually an accountant and/or seamstress." He said plainly, scanning the items and packing them into several neat paper bags. "What about you, doing babysitting?"  
"Tchyeah, right. Which sane parent would entrust their offspring to a guy who makes things go boom for a living?" The bomber rifled through his wallet for the correct sum. "Nah, Orochimaru did some freaky genetic manipulation thingy and now I have a kid."  
"I guess this just gives you another reason to kill him." Kakuzu said monotonously, opening up the cash register to get the correct change.  
"OI! KAKUZU!"  
Deidara turned around at the sound of an all too familiar voice. _'Oh no.. Hidan.'  
_The albino approached his apparent co-worker (he was also wearing the green apron and nametag, but with more scribbling on the latter which looked like swear words) trailing a small wagon filled with milk bottles. "Where the fuck do I stack the milk bottles again?"  
"Aisle three. The same as always."  
"Right, right. Hey!" Hidan suddenly diverted his attention to Deidara. "What's the blond bomb-bitch doing here?"  
"Deidara-san was making a purchase." Said Kakuzu calmly, having dealt with Hidan's potty-mouth for a long enough time to simply ignore it.  
"Is that so?" Hidan peered at the bags. "What the fuck are the diapers for, Deidara? Got diaheorra from all that clay you've been eating." He crowed with laughter.  
"Shut the hell up Hidan!" Deidara snapped. "These aren't for me they're for my frikken' son."  
"Haha, is that right? Well, I don't fucking believe it. You got laid! Hahahaha." Hidan leaned in close enough for Deidara to see his nose hairs with his scope. "Bet she was a really butch dyke, hey? Or did you find a guy who was even more of a pussy than you? Hahaha!"  
The bomber twitched. "I did not 'get laid' as you so nicely put it." He replied through gritted teeth.  
"Huh? Did you adopt some fucking stray, then?"  
"Not.. exactly."  
Hidan looked confused at his former team-mates. "I don't fucking get it."  
Kakuzu leaned over and whispered into the albino's ear. The look of confusion on the Jashinist's face was replaced by a look of sadistic delight. "Fuck yeah! You got a real fucking good reason to kill Orochimaru now, don't ya?" He grinned and stepped even closer to the bomber. "Hey-hey! Deidara-cha~n. Can I help you fuck Snake-ass up? Pleease~? I'll babysit for you."  
Deidara snapped. "One, we are both under a sealing jutsu that prevents us from performing violent actions. Two, get the hell out of my personal space." He shoved the Jashinist away from himself. "Three, stay the fuck away from my child, unless you have a serious deathwish or a censoring machine." He glanced at Kakuzu.  
"He broke it."  
"You got that, pink-eyes?!" Deidara finished off fuming.  
"Whatever." The albino scoffed. "Which aisle was it again?"  
"Three."  
"Right. Later bitches!"

Deidara returned to the Hokage's office on his clay bird surrounded by shopping bags. He found Naruto still nursing the blonde baby. It had almost finished the bottle and looked content suckling out the last drops. The Jinchuuriki looked up at the other's arrival.  
"Ah, you're finally here. This is the third bottle he's been through." Naruto said wearily. There were a few passed out Kage Bunshin littered around the room. A few of them were reading what looked to be Parenting books. Deidara raised an eyebrow. "We should get over to my apartment," Naruto continued. "I'd rather we get him settled in before I have to face the crowd."  
"Un." Deidara nodded and made space for the Leaf shinobi. "Just give me directions."  
Naruto dispelled the shadow clones and jumped out on to the bird, with the baby pressed closely to his chest.  
"Jaa ne, baa-chan!" He waved goodbye to Tsunade. The Hokage waved back, a small smile on her face.

* * *

**AN: **Gratuitous Japanese. Yay or Nay?

Review and tell me if you think this is a good idea or if I should burn in fandom hell. :D


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